The Waiting Room

Lonliness and the sheer boredom of sitting in the hospital waiting room can put strange thoughts in your head. You can only so much flip into the decade old magazines on the coffee table before committing each and every page to memory. One only need to look out the room to see his or her miserable future walking with bottles of liquids whose names you cannot pronounce, tubes danglining down your bottoms wearing a bio-degradable gown slit from behind. And don't even let me get to the black hairy asses on display for others. There were few white asses too... but that is not what I wanted to write about. At least now.

Such is the human cycle of life that you start with the hospital room (atleast the decent few of us) and you end up in the hospital room. So, I guess the crux of your whole existence is to make the most of it in between hospitals... you either eat, sleep and be merry or you eat, sleep and don't be merry.

Its been over 48 hours now, and still no good news (actually no news at all) about the condition of the old man from the ICU. I was not there when my father passed away, a little regret I've been carrying for a long time now. May be it is because of this that I have been sitting in the waiting room staring at the ceiling straight without food and shower. Actually thinking of food only made me sick, so it was no big deal I guess. And it is actually when you stare at the ceiling for so long, that delusions begin to set in. You drift into the concious sleep of dreams and nightmares. Of hope and fear.

What if there is heaven and hell? Angels and Demons? God? I always believed in God. But then you wonder was it because I was taught to do so or because I really, really, REALLY believed in him. Is all the wars over religion fought because men believed in the Almighty? Is the so called terrorism in the name of religion really for a castle in paradise or for some twisted little political agenda? What do I believe?

Love. Hate. Hope. Happiness. Sad. Jealousy. Fear. Guilt. Remorse. What are these but mere words or feelings that will describe your existence over the few decades. What is the purpose of existence when there is always an end to it? Where is the strength to be immortal coming from? What is the purpose of this existence, if this is what you call it?

Why this, why that... the questions whirls in your mind so fast and confuses you so much that you think, "Am I going mad? Do I need to be in the loony bin?"

Exhausted, mentally and physically from sitting on those back-aching chairs - considering the ordeal one has to go through, NHS should really consider investing in some decent chairs for the waiting families - I am sipping my first sip of machine coffee in 2 days...

So till the old man recovers from his strain... its back to those magazines and my thoughts...

Heartaches

I always wondered what was down the whirlpool. How can events so small create forces so strong that it can suck even the most mighty in its belly? What lies beneath the blue ocean? Is there any peace there? For I am a tormented soul restless in search of tranquility.

Days seem a drag nowdays. Nights are sleepless nightmares. Each new face that I come across is a mirror of my deeds. Their eyes filled with hatred for me. Their hearts empty with love for me. Never have I felt so alone in a crowd filled with family and friends. Never have I sat alone in the hospital waiting room anxious for someone to come and tell me its all over.

I was a born loner as far as I can remember. I was never the soul of the party nor the subject of any hot gossips. I preferred to live my life as the average kid round the block. Me to my own. But suddenly I am thrown into the ring with lime light on my face. I am made to sit on the throne meant for someone else. The dish served on the platter. The face that each finger points. I am the guy who is the cause for everyone to be present here at two in the morning with eyes waiting for the doctor to come out of the ICU any moment.

When the caterpillar finally emerges into a butterfly it is the most amazing and breath taking moment. It is the beauty in which nature juggles the delicate balance of life that attracts me. The turmoil of the catterpillar is finally over. It is finally free to fly away where its heart desires. As I sit here alone in the waiting room, all I can think is when will all this be over and finally get to fly away where my heart desires.

The room is empty and cold like everyones faces. It is as if I do not exist. I am the social outcast. They do not say it, but you can see it on their faces and trembling lips. Everyone blames me for the old man's heart attack. And sadly, it is the truth.

I never ever cared what people thought of me. To each his own. Bugger off for all I cared. But little did I know that family and society matters. My game has turned into a monopoly where no matter what dices I roll, I end up in jail without passing Go. While I sit here with my head dropped in shame and my eyes filled with tears of remorse, the old man is possibly fighting to take a breath. The old man is my uncle and quite possibly the only ally I have in this current crisis.

If only the clock could be turned back - for with each tick the urge to stab myself to death grows stronger. I do not know what lies ahead of me now. What am I going to do? For all I can do is wait for the doctor to come out of the ICU...

Choices...

I can wait for her phone call or I can get my work done…

I can sit and drool over her memories or I can take that long overdue shower…

I can ogle all day over her photos on Orkut or get out for some fresh air...

I can gorge on all the junk food lying around depressed or I can go to gym and get those calories off…

I can wish that we would be together again or I can just face the reality of it never happening and get on with my life…

Choices, choices, choices...



Mean while in the parallel universe…

Do I curl my hair or straighten them?

Do I go to Starbucks or that new place which serves the Chocolate ice cream?

Do I wear the green sari or go for the western look?

Do I take the car or ask the driver to drop me?

Choices, choices, choices...

Friends Indeed

Times have been hard and trying for me lately, because of the ripple effect that my breakup has caused. However, I thought I would have my friends to rely on... after all the true testing time for friendship comes when your buddy is down in drain...

Apparently, my friends seem to have forgotten the sacred rules of friendship.

Mind you after my recent experience I should have realised that people change in seconds once you have nothing to offer them. Can't blame them. For someone who would feel like fish without water if I did not call... suddenly got no time! I guess those tanks were finally built where fishes can live out of water... So *uck (with the Capital F) you too!

Then there are those miserable sods who for the sake of not being rude gives you an occasional miss call or drop in from their busy schedules to say the pleasantries... assholes I do not want you or your pity calls! So stop bugging me!

Like I said... friends in need are friends indeed!

Bullocks! - Who needs friends anyway?

Sigh!

Chaos Theory

Life is a crazy thing to be in. Each moment is like being on a roller coaster - going high filled with love and excitement and then come crashing down to misery and depression.

Guess what?

Sleep deprived, depression filled I am really sucking at life at this moment.