It's my friend's wedding today... but I am not happy

Hai aaj mere yaar ki shaadi magar... main khush nahin hoon
(It's my friend's wedding today... but I am not happy)

Hai kisike pyaar ki shaadi magar... main khush nahin hoon
(It's a wedding of someone's love today... but I am not happy)

Maine roka usey, toka usey, samjhaya bhi
(I stopped her, forbade her, even tried to convince her)

Deke vaasta apni yaari ka manaya bhi
(Pleaded her as well for the sake of our friendship)

Uski raah ka pathar bana
(I became a stone of her path)

aur kaanta bhi
(and a thorn too)

Phool banke uske saamne murjhaya bhi
(wilted before her as a flower too)

Lekar ke chaldiya hai woh baharein, dahej mein
(but she has moved taking along the blossoms of the spring as her dowry)

Hai gul-e-gulzar ki shaadi magar main khush nahin hoon
(it's the wedding of the flower of the garden, but I am not happy)

Hai aaj mere yaar ki shaadi magar... main khush nahin hoon
(It's my friend's wedding today... but I am not happy)

Hai kisike pyaar ki shaadi magar... main khush nahin hoon
(It's a wedding of someone's love today... but I am not happy)

Fallen Art

There are times when the horrible person within you takes over and you are compelled to act on feelings that can compare you to Hannibal Lecter.

You know its wrong. You know its against all the morals that you were brought up with. You know deep within you need to stop - but you just can't control that feeling. Its as if someone has taken over your body.

Here is an animation to what I am feeling today:

The background the story is: An old, forgotten military base somewhere in the Pacific. Soldiers who lost their minds, due to the hardships of past missions, and ... all exemplary officers the Army can't yet get rid of are sent there. There, far away from civilization, laws and rules they nurture their insanities.

Love the saxophone and the dance steps, by the way... (evil laugh sounding in the backdrop)

Heartaches

I always wondered what was down the whirlpool. How can events so small create forces so strong that it can suck even the most mighty in its belly? What lies beneath the blue ocean? Is there any peace there? For I am a tormented soul restless in search of tranquility.

Days seem a drag nowdays. Nights are sleepless nightmares. Each new face that I come across is a mirror of my deeds. Their eyes filled with hatred for me. Their hearts empty with love for me. Never have I felt so alone in a crowd filled with family and friends. Never have I sat alone in the hospital waiting room anxious for someone to come and tell me its all over.

I was a born loner as far as I can remember. I was never the soul of the party nor the subject of any hot gossips. I preferred to live my life as the average kid round the block. Me to my own. But suddenly I am thrown into the ring with lime light on my face. I am made to sit on the throne meant for someone else. The dish served on the platter. The face that each finger points. I am the guy who is the cause for everyone to be present here at two in the morning with eyes waiting for the doctor to come out of the ICU any moment.

When the caterpillar finally emerges into a butterfly it is the most amazing and breath taking moment. It is the beauty in which nature juggles the delicate balance of life that attracts me. The turmoil of the catterpillar is finally over. It is finally free to fly away where its heart desires. As I sit here alone in the waiting room, all I can think is when will all this be over and finally get to fly away where my heart desires.

The room is empty and cold like everyones faces. It is as if I do not exist. I am the social outcast. They do not say it, but you can see it on their faces and trembling lips. Everyone blames me for the old man's heart attack. And sadly, it is the truth.

I never ever cared what people thought of me. To each his own. Bugger off for all I cared. But little did I know that family and society matters. My game has turned into a monopoly where no matter what dices I roll, I end up in jail without passing Go. While I sit here with my head dropped in shame and my eyes filled with tears of remorse, the old man is possibly fighting to take a breath. The old man is my uncle and quite possibly the only ally I have in this current crisis.

If only the clock could be turned back - for with each tick the urge to stab myself to death grows stronger. I do not know what lies ahead of me now. What am I going to do? For all I can do is wait for the doctor to come out of the ICU...

Choices...

I can wait for her phone call or I can get my work done…

I can sit and drool over her memories or I can take that long overdue shower…

I can ogle all day over her photos on Orkut or get out for some fresh air...

I can gorge on all the junk food lying around depressed or I can go to gym and get those calories off…

I can wish that we would be together again or I can just face the reality of it never happening and get on with my life…

Choices, choices, choices...



Mean while in the parallel universe…

Do I curl my hair or straighten them?

Do I go to Starbucks or that new place which serves the Chocolate ice cream?

Do I wear the green sari or go for the western look?

Do I take the car or ask the driver to drop me?

Choices, choices, choices...

Ai Zindagi, bewafaa tu nikli

Aaj kisi ne muh pe zor se maara tamacha
Kar ke apna status change
Dard dena hi tha
To kyun di aasha?
Jaan leni hi thi
To zindagi kyun thi bachaai?
Tha mein khush tere bina…
Zindagi mein aake kyun pareshaani badaai?
Jaa to jee apni zindagi
Swear palat ke bhi yaad na karunga tuje!
Yaad aayegi to kahunga dil se
Jisse ki tune wafaa,
Aaaj woh hi bewafaa ho gai!

Tags: ME ME ME, POEM, A SAD DAY

Meri Ajeeb hai khaani

Meri ajeeb hai kahaani
Muje khud ko aaye na samaj…
Jisko chaahta tha mein
Ho gai kisi aur ki aaj!


Kal tak the uske wade pakke
Aaaj ek pal mein toot gaye
Yahaan meri jaan jaaye
Wahaan kisi aur ko who anguthi pehnaaye


Meri ajeeb hai daastaan
Kisko jaake mei sunaau?
Jisko chaahta tha mein
Ho gai kisi aur ki aaj!


Kal tak thi lammbi lambi kahaaniyaan
Phone pe ganto khaati thi meri jaan
Aaaj mere tadapne per bhi
Phone se nahi aai koi aawaaj!


Meri ajeeb hai kahaani
Muje khud ko aaye na samaj…
Jisko chaahta tha mein
Ho gai kisi aur ki aaj!

Tags: POEM, A SAD DAY, ME ME ME

Every dog has its day

Once suicide was out of the question, junk food was the only shoulder that I could lean on in this most testing and depressing moment of my life.

But after days (I lost count ages ago) of self pity and brooding in my own saliva, the Dominoes finally gave up into a state of stale, shrivelled up fungi infected bread which even the rats now refuse to relish. The famous chocolate Ben & Jerry’s now adorn the once green carpet into waves of brown glory goo as painted by the child Picasso himself. Like the Alps, my furniture lay covered in layers of crisps and chocolate bar wrappers. In the middle of this grand remodelled sty I was stupedified like a radish on a wedding cake staring at the spider on the ceiling. I am hazy on the details or the rules, but I am sure the game was to stare each other to death. I was winning until spidey decided to cheat and run after the fly that got caught in its web. Traitor.

Bored, depressed, lonely (the underlying words defining my life) I ended up driving miles in the middle of nowhere. 100 miles per hour, music blaring, finger on her speed dial - I debated with my flawed logic to call her. Next thing I know bright lights flashing on my eyes and the car started dancing the jig and airbags blew into my face. These things hit you so hard you wonder at times whether it was meant to save you or take your life away.

Sadly still alive, but now stranded, (bored, depressed and lonely too) I walked into the darkness until I stood staring at this old English pub.

Since I don’t booze, smoke or sniff (all of which now sounds enticing) I was fish out of water when the bar-tender leaned forward and pushed his lean mean moustachy face onto me asking what I’d like.

“I’d like to forget everything”, I grunted.

He laughed. My neighbours raised their glasses and yelled, “Cheers!”

Misery loves company and I was in the right place. I sat there taking shots of concentrated tomato juice in these cute tequila glasses surrounded by stories miseries, yelling and cursing. I was finally among friends.

When Barney (or at least he looked like him) gave me a lift home in the wee hours of the morning told me what brings me back to the title of this post, “You see, Saj don’t you worry, every dog has its day!”

I looked at him with the “it doesn’t make sense” face, when he narrates this story:

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog.

“You see, Saj think about it, every dog has its day!”

I am still in the state of depression “stayed” over so don’t ask me the philosophical significance of his statement. Let me know what you make of it, while I call the AA to get my car towed and get back to my depression in peace with a ice pack on my bruised face.

Great! Adding to my woes, the weekend is over too.

God I hate Mondays!

TECHNORATI KEYWORDS: ME ME ME, SAD STORY, DEPRESSION, DREAMZUNLIMITED, SAJID PATEL

O Romeo, where art thou?

When Romeo first laid eyes upon Juliet, their death was imminent. Bard knew it. You and I knew it. Everyone just knew it.

They had to die to be immortal in the hearts of every archetypal of young lovers all over the world. Just who talks of Cinderella or Snow White whenever a great love story has to be told? Ahem! No one does, except maybe only Disney.

Yup, the old fashioned suicide was the only option Romeo & Juliet had – even though they did it not knowing the complete truth – their heart was in the right place. So I guess, it counts.

Then there is always the option to back away out of the picture to let the other live in the perception of happiness. The Indian way.

But this too is totally unacceptable for the success of the immortal story for three reasons:

1. Less dramatic if no one dies. And there is always the remote possibility that they just might meet again some rainy day (and you know rainy days in India are – wet saris and all) – they just start up a grand affair! And that is always bad...
   
2. If one of them decide and did choose to end one’s life (and therefore remove all traces of future adultery) - the guy will eventually kill himself by liver failure due to too much drinking on the girl’s in-laws porch after a 10 minute sad song (...bad again for future happiness and reputation of the girl's character at the in-laws). And in the case of the girl – she would jump off the bridge into the Ganges – which sadly is so polluted now that you might as well die from its pungent smell (apparently cyanide is for the villains only).
3. And let’s say if the Mission ‘S’ was a success, Indian mythology of afterlife would have me believe that one of them might end up alive again as a centipede or something. Ugh! Not to mention a sad ending to a very sad story.
   

But, sadly, I can’t help being an Indian even though I only visited the country on my summer holidays. Never the less, I do not believe in the concept of taking one’s life either. It is only meant for losers and suckers of foolhardy propaganda. Unless of course the Mafia or the CIA (Call It Anything – they’re still crooks as far as I can tell) is on my back – this way I get to chose the most efficient and merciful way out (even though it may be rudimentary). And thankfully since they have no reason to be on my back - sucide is not an option for me.

So, where does that leave me? Hmm.

While I loathe here depressed with my miserable story on the sofa watching reruns of all the romantic tragedies and gorging on “that’s gonna add another 20 kgs” I have a faint hope shimmering somewhere.

Who knows, I just might end up having that affair after all!

TECHNORATI KEYWORDS: A SAD STORY, ME ME ME, DREAMZUNLIMITED, SAJID PATEL